Hope

When things are not as you like and everything seems to be pushing you down, or into that old proverbial corner, you have to do something and look forward to something fun.  This is hope. 

Hope is that thing out there somewhere that means the current phase of not-so-goodness will pass and life will end up getting better and there will be more succeeding than being beaten down by…everything else.  When you say you don’t have any hope there is something wrong with you and, quite frankly, you might not even want to try to hope because it takes some effort to do so.

A woman I know said she did not have any hope and probably would never have any hope in the future. It was this statement that made me know for a certainty that she had…”issues”…to say the least. Her husband had left her for another woman. Her children had been removed from the household because she could not, and would not, care for them. She kept saying she wanted to die, but did not try to do anything about it. She screamed and curled up in a ball on the floor and did even more screaming. Will I ever see this woman again? I have no clue, but she will not be counted among my friends really, because she is one of those dangerous people who try to make you be the adult while she continues to be the child.

I felt sorry for this wo man for a long time because of everything she had been through, and was going through, but when I had seen her she was in a good phase. I have recently found out that she has gone through these screaming, no-hope phases for many years. Maybe her husband hadto leave in order to try and secure some happiness for himself? Or, was he the reason why she has gone insane after years of emotional and mental abuse? (The abuse this woman suffered was horrific compared to what I have gone through so far. It was, from what I understand, devasting. Compared to her I am not being abused at all!) He had been married before and has children by another woman, and then he left her for the woman I am speaking of; now he has left her for a third woman? Does he go from one creative personality to the next and destroy them? Does he put marks in his belt for the women he has abused and destroyed?

Because of what I have found out about this woman – I will try and come up with a name for her soon – I have decided that what crap I go through is just that: crap. It is nothing like what I have actually witnessed and it is something that will never hold me down completely as what this man has done to his second wife. I can look at my DH and smile and actually look forward to some time alone with him. We can still talk and plan our life and we can have fun together for the most part. Instead of saying he is an abuser, I am just going to say he is a spoiled brat.

Yes, yes, I know. I am not fooling myself. DH has problems. His father has problems. His grandfather had problems. All of the women have survived. I will survive. But in comparison to what I have gone through (and go through) I am not suffering at all compared to the woman I have just spoken about. However, there is hope inside of me that things will get better and it has nothing to do with the things I can or cannot do to make DH happy or better in any sense of the word. I have hope because I can work toward my own happiness and DH and I can make it through this marriage with a modicum of happiness and security with each other.

Do I fear or worry that he will do to me what this other man has done? No, not right now. Do I fear or worry he will find another woman? Yes, most women have that fear of their mates, and I am no different there (and most women won’t admit it, or they will pretend they are not concerned about it at all).

I have hope. I pray I will always have hope, because hope helps you see outside of the corner and out from underneath the weight of the world. I know those corners and I know that weight, but it isn’t a part of my life right now, and I am not going to continually look back and relive all of the bad. This does nothing but shorten your life and rob you of any happiness you could ever have in the future.

I have hope.

Feeling feelings…

It is difficult to feel appreciated all the time, even part of the time.  DH says he often feels as if he is not appreciated by me.   When I try and show him just how much I appreciate him and that I love him, there is always something I have forgotten or not done.  He makes me feel as if I am always missing the mark.  Do I do the same to him?  I have tried to talk to him about it, but it just gives him an opening for him to make stinging and hurtful remarks, even “just talking”, about how I am not fulfilling my promises as a wife.  Usually I just take them and go on – always trying to be better, always trying to improve.

Well, today he is making me feel unappreciated.  He said upon leaving for work this morning that he “…expected supper to be waiting for him tonight and” he wanted it “hot and not cold in the refrigerator waiting….”  He said it without a smile, without even a hint of pretense.  This came from yesterday because when he had been out all night I had fixed food and left it in the refrigerator; he came home and heated his food and has been upset every since.  I knew he was upset last night while he was eating.  He was distant the entire time we were up together, and when I went to bed he made sure to come in twice and turn the light on to make sure I did not go to sleep quickly, even though I told him I was not taking one of my muscle relaxers or melatonin in order to help me sleep.

Today he “reminded” me he wanted hot food waiting on him when he got home.  How do you respond to that, as a woman and a wife?  All you can really say is “OK,” and leave it at that.  However, inside you feel like crap.  I know I do. 

Everything must be made so that the man in the relationship is happy.  It doesn’t matter how the woman feels.  I know DH loves me, but sometimes I feel more like a possession than a wife.  For the past several years this feeling has been growing.  It takes a lot to please him, and no matter what I do to encourage the pleasant factors of home it is never enough.  And, if he can’t find something to be disappointed in me about he takes it out on the animals, especially my CC because the dog is sweet and lovable and doesn’t want to displease.  Just because of this he can never, ever please DH either and is yelled at often, which confuses the poor fellow even more. 

It may be sad to admit, but I am glad we do not have children.  If he is willing to treat the animals in the way he does, even though he loves them, how would he treat our children?  Just like his father treated him?  Yes, of course he would, because this is what he knows.  Should I die before him, and I am pretty sure I will, at least we will not have children that will have gone through his mood swings and his mental abuse.

Wow, it has been a while since I have admitted DH has a tendency toward mental abuse!  It takes a lot out of me to find happy things to keep me going, and it isn’t a constant thing as some women are forced to endure.  He also does emotional abuse.

Knowing his parents (and my in-laws) as I do, I can see exactly where he gets it and just how hard my mother-in-law fights against it and has done so for many years.  She loves DH’s father and will not leave him, just as I will not leave DH, but, at the same time, she has developed coping mechanisms just as I have done and continue to do.  Surprisingly, life is not horribly sad for either of us, but there are times when you just can’t help things were different.

All men, I believe, have a tendency toward mental and emotional abuse it is just that some are better at it than others.  Women do it, too, and I understand this, but women who do this also have been physically abused in the lives and they do whatever they need to do in order to survive.

Mental and emotional abuse is looked on as a quirk or something that really doesn’t exist, even in this day and age.  When you try to explain to someone what the abusive person is doing there is usually a response of, “Stop being so sensitive!” and “You are really just blowing all of this out of proportion!”  I believed them for a very long time and accepted that I was just doing something wrong and if  I just worked more on things it would get better.  This led me into a very dark place where the depression threatened to suffocate me to literal death!  When I began looking into what constituted emotional and mental abuse things slowly began to make sense, especially when I began objectively looking at my in-laws. 

According to Mother-In-Law, Father-In-Law’s father was the same way and treated his wife far worse than what she or I had received.  It was shocking to know she knew what was going on with me and my relationship.  It has created a silent bond between us that is very strong and cannot be broken, I hope.

It isn’t all bad in our lives.  When things are going wonderfully they simply cannot be made any better!  However, when things reach a certain point of bliss DH (and FIL) must destroy it.  We cannot be happy for any length of time.  I cannot be happy for an extended period of time, because then I forget my proper place of being a wife, his wife.

Luckily these periods have become easily to judge and expect.  The hardest part is to make sure I do not subconsciously encourage them!  You may not believe it is true, but once a pattern is established it takes all your will to keep from encouraging said pattern, and thus giving the person doing the exploding and abusing the very reason they need to continue, or renew the abuse.

Knowing you have an out is one thing that keeps you going, even though you will never leave.  Just knowing there is an out lets me keep going.

Why do I stay when it is bad?  Because I am married.  I made a promise before God and those are the types of promises you keep, especially in this day and age, because everyone always takes the easy way out these days, even to the promises made to God.  You just don’t do that, you know.  You don’t go back on those promises, so you had better make sure you can go through with it -  to live your life with a person until death you do part.

Surprisingly, this also gives me strength.