Feeling feelings…

It is difficult to feel appreciated all the time, even part of the time.  DH says he often feels as if he is not appreciated by me.   When I try and show him just how much I appreciate him and that I love him, there is always something I have forgotten or not done.  He makes me feel as if I am always missing the mark.  Do I do the same to him?  I have tried to talk to him about it, but it just gives him an opening for him to make stinging and hurtful remarks, even “just talking”, about how I am not fulfilling my promises as a wife.  Usually I just take them and go on – always trying to be better, always trying to improve.

Well, today he is making me feel unappreciated.  He said upon leaving for work this morning that he “…expected supper to be waiting for him tonight and” he wanted it “hot and not cold in the refrigerator waiting….”  He said it without a smile, without even a hint of pretense.  This came from yesterday because when he had been out all night I had fixed food and left it in the refrigerator; he came home and heated his food and has been upset every since.  I knew he was upset last night while he was eating.  He was distant the entire time we were up together, and when I went to bed he made sure to come in twice and turn the light on to make sure I did not go to sleep quickly, even though I told him I was not taking one of my muscle relaxers or melatonin in order to help me sleep.

Today he “reminded” me he wanted hot food waiting on him when he got home.  How do you respond to that, as a woman and a wife?  All you can really say is “OK,” and leave it at that.  However, inside you feel like crap.  I know I do. 

Everything must be made so that the man in the relationship is happy.  It doesn’t matter how the woman feels.  I know DH loves me, but sometimes I feel more like a possession than a wife.  For the past several years this feeling has been growing.  It takes a lot to please him, and no matter what I do to encourage the pleasant factors of home it is never enough.  And, if he can’t find something to be disappointed in me about he takes it out on the animals, especially my CC because the dog is sweet and lovable and doesn’t want to displease.  Just because of this he can never, ever please DH either and is yelled at often, which confuses the poor fellow even more. 

It may be sad to admit, but I am glad we do not have children.  If he is willing to treat the animals in the way he does, even though he loves them, how would he treat our children?  Just like his father treated him?  Yes, of course he would, because this is what he knows.  Should I die before him, and I am pretty sure I will, at least we will not have children that will have gone through his mood swings and his mental abuse.

Wow, it has been a while since I have admitted DH has a tendency toward mental abuse!  It takes a lot out of me to find happy things to keep me going, and it isn’t a constant thing as some women are forced to endure.  He also does emotional abuse.

Knowing his parents (and my in-laws) as I do, I can see exactly where he gets it and just how hard my mother-in-law fights against it and has done so for many years.  She loves DH’s father and will not leave him, just as I will not leave DH, but, at the same time, she has developed coping mechanisms just as I have done and continue to do.  Surprisingly, life is not horribly sad for either of us, but there are times when you just can’t help things were different.

All men, I believe, have a tendency toward mental and emotional abuse it is just that some are better at it than others.  Women do it, too, and I understand this, but women who do this also have been physically abused in the lives and they do whatever they need to do in order to survive.

Mental and emotional abuse is looked on as a quirk or something that really doesn’t exist, even in this day and age.  When you try to explain to someone what the abusive person is doing there is usually a response of, “Stop being so sensitive!” and “You are really just blowing all of this out of proportion!”  I believed them for a very long time and accepted that I was just doing something wrong and if  I just worked more on things it would get better.  This led me into a very dark place where the depression threatened to suffocate me to literal death!  When I began looking into what constituted emotional and mental abuse things slowly began to make sense, especially when I began objectively looking at my in-laws. 

According to Mother-In-Law, Father-In-Law’s father was the same way and treated his wife far worse than what she or I had received.  It was shocking to know she knew what was going on with me and my relationship.  It has created a silent bond between us that is very strong and cannot be broken, I hope.

It isn’t all bad in our lives.  When things are going wonderfully they simply cannot be made any better!  However, when things reach a certain point of bliss DH (and FIL) must destroy it.  We cannot be happy for any length of time.  I cannot be happy for an extended period of time, because then I forget my proper place of being a wife, his wife.

Luckily these periods have become easily to judge and expect.  The hardest part is to make sure I do not subconsciously encourage them!  You may not believe it is true, but once a pattern is established it takes all your will to keep from encouraging said pattern, and thus giving the person doing the exploding and abusing the very reason they need to continue, or renew the abuse.

Knowing you have an out is one thing that keeps you going, even though you will never leave.  Just knowing there is an out lets me keep going.

Why do I stay when it is bad?  Because I am married.  I made a promise before God and those are the types of promises you keep, especially in this day and age, because everyone always takes the easy way out these days, even to the promises made to God.  You just don’t do that, you know.  You don’t go back on those promises, so you had better make sure you can go through with it -  to live your life with a person until death you do part.

Surprisingly, this also gives me strength.

Decisions About Life, Marriage, and Church

9/10/08 Wednesday

 

I went to the doctor today.  She did an EKG and it was normal.  I knew it would be.  There is a possibility I have costochondritis again.  According to About.com,

 

Costochondritis is a condition that causes chest pain due to inflammation of the cartilage and bones in the chest wall. Also called Tietze’s Syndrome, costochondritis occurs when there is inflammation at the junction of the rib bone and breastbone (sternum). At this junction, there is cartilage joining these bones. This cartilage can become irritated and inflamed. Depending on the extent of the inflammation, costochondritis can be quite painful.

(http://orthopedics.about.com/cs/sprainsstrains/a/costochondritis.htm)

 

I have had this once before and it was quite painful.  It isn’t what is causing my high blood pressure, but it is adding to the general discomfort currently being experienced.  Combine all of the other physical problems with the rheumatoid arthritis with this and it isn’t very difficult to head toward a place called misery.  However, thank God, my pain isn’t at such a level (arthritis wise) that it is causing me more problems than normal; normal pain is something that can be ignored – especially if you had the same pain for years as I have. 

 

My life has changed so much through the years, and now this point has arrived where I am going to have to change even more in order to have a good ending to my days both physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  This time it can’t be a change just for me, although I am going to be the first one in line here, but for B as well. 

 

I am really tired of being sick and tired.  There isn’t that much I can do to help the “sick” part except to just continue to try and be as healthy as possible; as for the “tired”, there is work that can be done on the interior parts of me that could possibly help just in case I am depressed and not realizing it (although I don’t believe all of the tired is caused by any depression I might have). 

 

Do I have a plan?  No.  I don’t have a plan yet.  It is forming, however, slowly. 

 

Unlike all of the times before when change has been necessary this time I am going to rely upon the Church and its teachings, its guidance.  It is going to be difficult for me to do this because of all of the trust issues I have where people are concerned.  I trust God, but people, well, not so much.  It has been difficult for me to accept them into my inner life at times, and, sadly, I have needed them there so badly it has filled me with aching despair.  Now that I am permitting people completely into my life it is possibly the best decision in my life right now to let the Church, in its human form, completely inside as well.

 

The thought of doing this used to terrify me.  It would make me angry in preemptive preparation for the failings that would surely come.  It was impossible for me to accept that people could fail me even though I knew I failed people on more than one occasion – and they were the important people in my life.  Those people are now gone.  The people that are left, especially B, are the people I should really look to now.  He has failed me several times and yet I am still here.  I have threatened to leave him many times, planned it even, and yet I am still here.  I will always be here with him regardless of what happens between us because I made a vow before God and to God that I would never have anyone else other than him. 

 

Not all of our marriage has been horrible.  Not all of our marriage has been wonderful.  When it has been good it has been absolutely wonderful!  The same can be said for when the marriage has been bad – it has been hellish. 

 

B is not the easiest man in the universe to live with and I am not the easiest woman in the universe to live with, so, by these standards, we are evenly matched.

 

Is there anyone who could take B’s place?  Someone that might fulfill all of the gaps in my inner life as we are led to believe love is supposed to do?  I thought there was someone once, but it was more of a fantasy than a reality.  It hurt when the fantasy ended.  It was for the best.

 

How am I going to rely on the Church for this probable last phase of change in my life?  I honestly don’t know yet. 

 

Being an Eastern Orthodox Christian is not easy as it is.  We are constantly being asked to look inside ourselves to correct our problems as it is in order to come closer to Christ.  Not many denominational faiths, even Evangelical ones, do this anymore from my observation.  Faith has become something you “feel good about” and if the church, preacher, denomination doesn’t suit you then you merely go and look somewhere else for a faith that would let you feel good about what you were doing.  You don’t really have to make a commitment to a faith, a denomination, yourself, or God any more.  And if you have questions, well, you are just out of luck because if you can’t read the Bible and understand it on your own you just aren’t being a good enough Christian.

 

The truth is, as I have realized and studied to discover, is that the collected holy books we call the Bible was never intended to be read without guidance.  This doesn’t mean you aren’t supposed to read the Bible and come up with questions, but that there was supposed to be someone you could go to who would have some answers or who could help you discover the answers you needed.  This didn’t mean someone who did not have education in theology either, but someone well-trained, a learned person…a priest. 

 

Throughout history there have been two horrible blows to Christianity:  1) when the Roman patriarchate decided it was going to separate itself from the rest of Christendom to rule the religious world as it saw fit; and 2) the Protestant schism which encouraged you to discover the truth of religious matters for oneself.  The Protestant reorganization for the religious world was a direct action against how the Church of Rome had so polluted faith and doctrine to its own ends, not to the Church Christ left behind.  The Roman Catholic Church has so dominated the world that very few people who are not from the Middle East don’t even know of the First Church – Orthodoxy – that remains and is alive today.

 

Growing up I always said I wanted to find the first church.  It had to be out there if Christ promised us – and Christ didn’t lie.  I gave up after having tasted nearly every denomination out there and finally decided Catholicism was the closet I was ever going to get to the true first Church.  My experience with Catholicism left me hurt and depressed.  It was nothing like what I had expected.  There really wasn’t any piety there, at least not the way I had hoped it would be.  The final straw came when, after having an accident, the local parish I had transferred into did not send anyone out to visit me, nor did they ask to help me and B in any way.  A very frightened lady brought me a communion wafer only once, and then I was forgotten.  What was I to do then?

 

I turned to someone that seemed to make sense – Wiccanism.  I even called myself a Christian Wiccan.  How did it work?  That’s for tomorrow.