Sometimes A Woman Needs Eye Candy

There are moments in a woman’s life when she just wishes she had something, or someone she does not have.  It isn’t bad, really, as long as you don’t obsess over something or someone to the point that you lose connection with reality.  However, it would be wonderful, in my way of thinking, in my fantasy world, to go out with this man.  I mean, look at him!  Gorgeous.  Sexy.  Strong.  Cut.  Every character he plays has heart and strength.  Yes, I know the characters are not the man, but it would be wonderful if the fantasy man matched the real man and that real man loved me.  I mean loved me.

Recently I have noticed that DH is back on the bent of trying to change me.  He doesn’t like the way I look.  He doesn’t like how I say certain things.  He doesn’t like the fact I am in a wheelchair and am always going to be in the wheelchair.  He doesn’t like the fact people like me and want to talk with me.  He doesn’t like it that I have my own friends separate from him.  He doesn’t like the way I treat him, or don’t treat him.  He doesn’t like the way I respect him or disrespect him.  What it all boils down to is that DH is having a hard time coming to grips with something else that does not concern me, but I am paying the price for it.

Yesterday the electric company called and threatened to turn off the electric for a bill that had not been paid.  DH had told me he had paid the bill.  He hadn’t.  Maybe he just conveniently forgot.  Lucky for us, for me, I had borrowed some money from a friend of mine in order to go Christmas shopping.  There was enough money to pay the $120.40 the electric bill required.  Also, about ten minutes later the water company called with the same threat.

The water company, it turns out, had made a mistake.  We are not behind on our water bill at all.  Again, a weight lifted off of the old shoulders.  My nerves ended up jangling and I ended up shaking like a leaf.  My nerves are officially shot I realize.  Between all of his constant bickering and bitching and all of the money problems he puts us in, and my own ill health – my nerves are shot. 

Today my blood pressure went up very high.  The pain was bad today as well.  My head hurt, probably because of the bp (240/200).  All I could do was to take all of my medication and what little extra I could and hope for the best.  To encourage the bp to go down I knitted some, as well as exercised a little.

While I was knitting I actually let myself fantasize about what it would be like to have a handsome man who never once wanted to change me from the person I am.  I let my mind roam into a splendid place where this mystery man was handsome, sexy, strong, and loved me just for me and nothing else.  He was a man who worked hard for his paycheck and made sure all of the bills were paid without worrying me about them.  He was a man who loved to bring me flowers and who didn’t act as if his feelings were hurt at the least little thing I said.  He was a good man…the kind of man who made life a little easier for me instead of trying to kill me with bitching and bickering.

It was a nice day-dream.

Then the phone rang and DH wanted to know why I had not called him in three hours to let him know what all was going on.  He knew my bp was up and I am counting this as his caring for me, but he really just acted as if I had failed him again.  His voice relished in the disappointment and almost-anger. 

Because DH had called I wouldn’t let myself go back into the day-dream.  I felt as if it would be far wiser on my part just to knit and perhaps watch television so that if he surprised me by coming home for lunch or something I would not be happy nor said…just…there.

Slowly but surely I am learning how to harden my heart against what he says and does.  It still hurts, but I don’t always show him it hurts.  I go on my merry way when he brags about this young thing or that one flirting with him.  He can’t see he is an over-weight meal ticket for the hot young things.  He gets upset when a man will flirt with me. 

Oh, but, for a few minutes today there was eye candy that made me smile, and I enjoyed it.  Maybe I should let myself begin doing this more.

At least DH has stopped his rant about me buying a van and spending more money than I am going to be making at my little job.  He said he was going to go ahead and purchase himself a nice little sports car.  It is always about him and what he wants, not what I might want or need.  I won’t be able to make a lot of money, but I can make some and, with luck, save up for my own wants and desires.

I have also come to the conclusion that I am going to get myself in as good a physical condition as I possibly could.  Why?  Because I want to feel good about myself, and I also want to be able to take care of myself better just in case DH decides he wants to go on the road this summer to work.  I also want to feel good, in general.  I am tired of feeling bad, down, and tired.  I want to feel good and energized.  If I feel good and energized, maybe the times when DH throws me all of the curve balls and life gets shitty I won’t have to take a nerve pill to stop me from physically shaking.  I am also going to enjoy reading my romances and knitting.  Why should I deny myself quiet little pleasures?