Recovering

Missed work Thursday at work.  Worked yesterday – because it was my short day.  Today I have slept late, eaten food, drank lots of water, and just rested and relaxed.  I feel a lot better now.  Hubby is just kicking back and relaxing as well, minus the sex of course.  I will have to make up for this lack in the next up-coming week.  Right now he does not want to get sick because he is having a small operation to have one of his parathyroids removed to keep him from retaining so much calcium and feeling so very bad.

Being

I am feeling stronger than I have felt in a number of years. The job I have is not challenging and exciting, but it is a job and for that I am greatly thankful. Slowly I am going to begin saving money.

Today I am having to stay home because I have the flu and feel like crap. I am also quite sure my body is run down from two weeks of not having one moment of extended rest. I will go to work tomorrow and try my best from here on out to not miss any more work. In this day and age I can’t afford to lose my job, but there is only so much I can do and keep this old body going.

OK, my body isn’t exactly old. It just feels like it at times.

SS is starting to get on my nerves and under my skin. Hubby says I am upset with him because I see things in SS that I see in myself and that I don’t like or approve of in myself. Hubby always has an excuse for what he does and how he hurts people. Hubby can bend logic to suit his purposes, and he never wants to admit, even in the slightest amount, that he could even possibly be wrong about something. Anything.

Yes, I know it has been a very long time since I have written here. It hasn’t been because I haven’t wanted to, but because organizing my private time is much more difficult with the demands of a husband who acts more like a child than a man at times.

SS is so apathetic it is frightening.

Nintendo DS vs PSP

I am considering purchasing either a Nintendo DS or a PSP.  Any input anyone would like to make would be greatly appreciated.

Life, Love, and Tornadoes

It appears the ice and snow have gone only to be replaced by tornadoes and severe winds here in Lexington, KY. *sigh* Everything changes and yet somehow remains the same.

Hopefully everything is going to end up being OK.

Not at work today because of a small car accident on Sunday. I am feeling better, thanks to the pain pills the ER doctor gave me a scrip for; without them, though, I would not be doing well at all. The doctor’s excuse says that I have tomorrow off as well, but I am probably still going to go in because I need the extra money.

SS still has not found a job, nor has he actually begun to seriously look for in IMHO. His girlfriend is getting very upset with him and SS can’t see it at all. He is acting as if he is getting upset at her and the rest of us. I am feeling uneasy about everything to do with him.

Resolutions & Such

This is the last day of 2008.  These are the last hours of yet another year. 

 

In looking back upon this year, as most other bloggers are doing I suspect, I can’t say this has been a fantastic year for me.  DH has been an asshole for most of it; I have been quite ill; we have had our house threatened; friends have gone through rough times; and the nation has practically gone to pot because of stupidity and greed of all of this nation’s leaders.  Yeah, not the best of years.

 

However, things could be on the up-swing for 2009.  There is a new leader in office, which could possibly help this nation.  I have made great strides in being healthier and better.  DH is always going to have his asshole moments, even months of it, but this is not ever going to stop me again from being happy, or as happy as I can possibly be.

 

I have not made New Year’s Resolutions in years and meant them, but for 2009 I am going to try my best and make serious changes in my life; good changes.  It was important to me in the past, when I was younger and far more wide-eyed at life, to keep each and every resolution made because I looked upon it as a promise to myself.  For 2009 I am going to do the very same thing again.

 

New Year’s Resolutions for 2009

1)      I am not going to tell one single lie, white or otherwise.

2)      I am going to be healthy in my body and in my lifestyle as is absolutely positive.

3)      I am going to get the proper rest I need regardless of what DH or anyone else says around me.

4)      I am going to start getting my body in shape so that by this time next year there will be a big difference in looking at me or pictures of me.

5)      I am going to be as serious about my faith as can possibly be.

6)      I am going to make out my will and have it registered at the court house.

7)      I am going to be employed for the majority of the year and I am also going to do the best job I can possibly do.

8)      I am going to keep the things and people that make me happy and I am going to separate myself from those things and people that do not.

9)      I am not getting divorced.

10)  I am going to submit at least one novel length manuscript this year for consideration to a publisher.

11)  I am going to say prayers every single day; as close to three times a day as I possibly can.

12)  I am going to be happy.

13)  I am going to make DH as happy as I can possibly do.

14)  I am going to live my life and not just wait for the mood-swings of anyone and everyone around me to get me down and keep me down.

15)  I am going to cook as many meals at home as possible and be the homemaker I should be, and I am going to enjoy it (because deep down I really do).

16)  I am going to walk the dogs – one of them – every day.

17)  I am going to put back money for the taxes on the house on Stinnett.

18)  I am going to put back money for myself each and every paycheck.

19)  I am going to care for my animals as I want, not as I am told by DH I should.

20)  I am going to be sexy and happy about being sexy.

21)  I am going to take serious stock of how I look and look my best every single day.

 

 

Looking Ahead – 2009

I have been trying to put some serious thought into what I wanted to accomplish in the new year that is going to dawn on us soon in between bouts of the flu and feeling like absolute crap.  In the recent years I have not made any serious goals or plans or New Year’s Resolutions because I have felt as if there wasn’t any use in it, because I have felt so defeated for so long.  I don’t want to continue this way of thinking and looking at my future, so I am making plans to change and am trying to think of goals I do want to achieve for 2009. 

In the past the only goal I actually almost set was of writing more, submitting my work, and trying to be published.  For 2009 I want to continue to be employed – this is one of my biggest goals; to be as healthy as I can be; and to be as happy, for myself, as I can possibly be.  The writing?  I want to write and submit at least one piece for 2009, a long piece.  A novel. I am going to be serious about it, and do it.

These things I am looking at are all for myself.  They have nothing to do with DH at all, really.  This year I am actually going to center around me, and encourage myself to be happy and as successful as possible.  Hopefully, if I am more content in myself, his tricks and fussing and cut downs won’t affect me as much as they would otherwise.  I am even going to let myself hope, for once; I am going to hope for the best and believe it can and will happen.

Keeping positive is going to be the hard part.  I am going to try and find positive reinforcements to help me keep all of this going and not stopping.  I understand it is going to start off well, probably great, then get harder as the year progresses, and there will be hard spots to over-come.  Since I am going to be employed I am going to try my best and get some good subliminal CDs.  There is more planned, but I am being ushered off to bed.

Baby It’s COLD Outside!

Currently it is 17*F.  I am glad I am in the house and warm.  Even though the house is warm, I have a blanket over my legs.  The dogs have not wanted to stay outside for any length of time today either.  They much rather prefer to go outside, do their deeds and run back into the house.

DH and I got into a big argument Saturday (12/20).  He is never going to forgive me for any of my past mistakes, but I am supposed to continually forgive him and overlook his flirting with other women.  It bothered me so badly I actually sat down and began writing him a letter.  I was planning on giving it to him, but now realize I won’t:  If I gave it to him it would just cause another argument and I am far too ill right now for any more arguments.  However, I have seriously been considering just keeping these sorts of letters and leaving them to him when I die.  Of course, by then it would just be too late. 

I have a very bad case of the flu, and, quite honestly, can barely hold my head up.

Sometimes A Woman Needs Eye Candy

There are moments in a woman’s life when she just wishes she had something, or someone she does not have.  It isn’t bad, really, as long as you don’t obsess over something or someone to the point that you lose connection with reality.  However, it would be wonderful, in my way of thinking, in my fantasy world, to go out with this man.  I mean, look at him!  Gorgeous.  Sexy.  Strong.  Cut.  Every character he plays has heart and strength.  Yes, I know the characters are not the man, but it would be wonderful if the fantasy man matched the real man and that real man loved me.  I mean loved me.

Recently I have noticed that DH is back on the bent of trying to change me.  He doesn’t like the way I look.  He doesn’t like how I say certain things.  He doesn’t like the fact I am in a wheelchair and am always going to be in the wheelchair.  He doesn’t like the fact people like me and want to talk with me.  He doesn’t like it that I have my own friends separate from him.  He doesn’t like the way I treat him, or don’t treat him.  He doesn’t like the way I respect him or disrespect him.  What it all boils down to is that DH is having a hard time coming to grips with something else that does not concern me, but I am paying the price for it.

Yesterday the electric company called and threatened to turn off the electric for a bill that had not been paid.  DH had told me he had paid the bill.  He hadn’t.  Maybe he just conveniently forgot.  Lucky for us, for me, I had borrowed some money from a friend of mine in order to go Christmas shopping.  There was enough money to pay the $120.40 the electric bill required.  Also, about ten minutes later the water company called with the same threat.

The water company, it turns out, had made a mistake.  We are not behind on our water bill at all.  Again, a weight lifted off of the old shoulders.  My nerves ended up jangling and I ended up shaking like a leaf.  My nerves are officially shot I realize.  Between all of his constant bickering and bitching and all of the money problems he puts us in, and my own ill health – my nerves are shot. 

Today my blood pressure went up very high.  The pain was bad today as well.  My head hurt, probably because of the bp (240/200).  All I could do was to take all of my medication and what little extra I could and hope for the best.  To encourage the bp to go down I knitted some, as well as exercised a little.

While I was knitting I actually let myself fantasize about what it would be like to have a handsome man who never once wanted to change me from the person I am.  I let my mind roam into a splendid place where this mystery man was handsome, sexy, strong, and loved me just for me and nothing else.  He was a man who worked hard for his paycheck and made sure all of the bills were paid without worrying me about them.  He was a man who loved to bring me flowers and who didn’t act as if his feelings were hurt at the least little thing I said.  He was a good man…the kind of man who made life a little easier for me instead of trying to kill me with bitching and bickering.

It was a nice day-dream.

Then the phone rang and DH wanted to know why I had not called him in three hours to let him know what all was going on.  He knew my bp was up and I am counting this as his caring for me, but he really just acted as if I had failed him again.  His voice relished in the disappointment and almost-anger. 

Because DH had called I wouldn’t let myself go back into the day-dream.  I felt as if it would be far wiser on my part just to knit and perhaps watch television so that if he surprised me by coming home for lunch or something I would not be happy nor said…just…there.

Slowly but surely I am learning how to harden my heart against what he says and does.  It still hurts, but I don’t always show him it hurts.  I go on my merry way when he brags about this young thing or that one flirting with him.  He can’t see he is an over-weight meal ticket for the hot young things.  He gets upset when a man will flirt with me. 

Oh, but, for a few minutes today there was eye candy that made me smile, and I enjoyed it.  Maybe I should let myself begin doing this more.

At least DH has stopped his rant about me buying a van and spending more money than I am going to be making at my little job.  He said he was going to go ahead and purchase himself a nice little sports car.  It is always about him and what he wants, not what I might want or need.  I won’t be able to make a lot of money, but I can make some and, with luck, save up for my own wants and desires.

I have also come to the conclusion that I am going to get myself in as good a physical condition as I possibly could.  Why?  Because I want to feel good about myself, and I also want to be able to take care of myself better just in case DH decides he wants to go on the road this summer to work.  I also want to feel good, in general.  I am tired of feeling bad, down, and tired.  I want to feel good and energized.  If I feel good and energized, maybe the times when DH throws me all of the curve balls and life gets shitty I won’t have to take a nerve pill to stop me from physically shaking.  I am also going to enjoy reading my romances and knitting.  Why should I deny myself quiet little pleasures?

Feeling….

It is official:  I am employed.  I will be beginning my first shift on January 5th, which makes me both nervous and happy all at the same time. 

As I half expected, DH is already beginning to drive me insane:  He has already planned out exactly how I am going to be spending my paycheck.  When he began his current employment I suggested a couple of things and was immediately told I was not in charge of his paycheck and that was supposed to be that; I am going to have to fight to be able to have my own paycheck and use it to my specifications and not his.    Looking forward to this I am not. 

What has he planned?  Me paying the house payment.  I have always paid the house payment/ rent every since we have been together, so this is a given (I don’t want to be homeless).  He has also planned on me getting a van, converting it, and paying for everything.  I should be clearing about $840-$850 a month.  The house payment is $750.  Do you see a problem here with making a car payment?  DH has everything planned out, but he isn’t seeing any sort of limitations.  I don’t want to argue my way through everything.  It would really be nice for just one time for him to let up on me and give me some breathing room.

Enough about DH.  I am already stressed out the yin-yang because of him and his stupid attitudes currently.  My blood pressure has decided to try and cause problems again.  The medications have been changed.  Hopefully this will get me through my job and having some sort of life.

Lexington is looking forward to a nice winter storm.  Yesterday the forecast was that there was a “possible” snow and ice storm heading our way.  This morning when I was preparing to get out and do some Christmas shopping (actually finish up the shopping) the “watch” became a “warning” and the shopping trip for today was cancelled.  I am already planning on being out on Wednesday so I will finish up my shopping then.

***

As for the Christmas spirit…well, it still isn’t here this year.  I don’t know why exactly either.  This is usually my favorite time of year.  Hope is practically palpable, but not this year.  Perhaps I have been under more stress than I expected or am willing to accept.  The economy has really put a damper on my Christmas buying and the hope, well, it just can’t be found any where no matter how hard I look for it.  Could it be that if I stop looking for the much needed hope I might actually find it?

Sunshine & Snow

For the first time this winter it snowed last night.  It was beautiful.  Peaceful.  Cold. 

The snow lay on the grass but not on the pavement and when the street lights hit it from a distance the snow was simultaneously creepy and peaceful.  Since death has been on my mind a lot in the past couple of days, the beautiful snow reminded me of it – death, but I kept this to myself.

That odd grieving depression has been trying to take over.  I have made myself laugh and flirt with DH more and more and he has responded quite well.  We are getting along well now, and he is planning Christmas shopping and presents and I am still flat broke and can’t buy a job.  (My resume and skills are perfect until I roll in and then there is not one single job available for me.)  It is beginning to pull me down.

I know this won’t last.  I know deep down inside I am going to get a job; it would just be really beneficial if a job could be located and begun now instead of later.

In order to fight this bleakness that is threatening to wash me off the deck of my ship again, I am trying very hard to concentrate on the writing projects as well as knitting. Mondays are the days I am going to set aside for most of the typing, writing, and knitting because DH is taking personal tai chi classes and doesn’t get home until about 8:30 or 9:00 at night. Those are going to be my days of a lot of good things just for myself, at least until I get a job.